12/26/25 Monday - 5:50AM
TL;DR - I want neocities friends pls hmu! memoria.machina (at) gmail dot com
definite bummer i should really go to sleep. but I've been having some feelings surface. Lonliness maybe. Why can't I just talk to any of my friends about how I'm feeling? That would make me vulnerable pffft, who would do that? (ugh is this what adult friendships are like? or am I just socially dumb?)
but it's hard not to downplay the things I've been feeling if I talk to another person. All of a sudden I guess all that dark spiraling in my head really wasn't that bad and I'm fine actually. I'm perfectly normal.
but of course acting that way only makes the problem worse lol. I've been reminicing on all the random people I used to talk to online back in the day, but now all the online spaces that I'd found friends and community on have been either ruined or replaced by a shitter corprate cleansed version that doesn't function the same or allow for natural social interaction at all.
now the internet is all about "engagement" and algorithmicly showing you the things that will piss you off the most....
I miss being able to just talk to people and get to know them (in my very specific way), where I can hide behind a screen and not have to be the person I'm apparently ashamed of, while simultainiously sharing and getting to know and share the deepest secrets and joys of myself and others because this isn't "real life" and I can be vulnerable here, but I can't do that face to face with people I've known for years...
what a dilemma.
i think the other problem that's become very visible to me is that most if not all of my friendships lack emotional depth. maybe I just feel like a really good aquaintence to people and nobody irl really knows me because I have no idea how to open that door to people... heh. my puzzler is still puzzling on that one.
but all roads lead back to neocities. I see so many people on here that are artists, and queer, and frankly we share a lot of similarities and I just think it's funny how somehow we all ended up here.
and yet... still I feel so isolated from all y'all. maybe I'm just not doing this neocities thing right, but yeah...
if anyone is actually reading this, hmu if you wanna be friends!!!